‘Dark feeling’: Retired NRL players open up on mental health

The post-match haka at the inaugural League Legends XIII match at Puketawhero Park, Rotorua. Photo / Aleyna Martinez
WARNING: This story mentions suicidal ideation. Please see below for help and crisis information.
The first time former professional rugby league player Louis Anderson experienced a panic attack, he didn’t know what was happening to him.
At the time, the former Warriors and Kiwis player was living in southern France, playing for Villegailhenc-Aragon XIII.
A few months earlier, he had snapped his Achilles tendon during a game.
“I had to open the windows, I said, ‘f***, I can’t breathe, there’s no oxygen in the room, my hands are getting funny’,” Anderson said.
“Really weird. I was trying to go out [the window].”
Now retired, Anderson, 39, has shared his story in person for the first time in Rotorua.
He was among the league stars to join a toolbox meeting at trailer manufacturer Mills-Tui on Friday morning, sharing their mental health journey with other men.
As part of the League Legends XIII events organised by the former Kiwis, Warriors, Canberra Raiders and North Queensland Cowboys player Sione Faumuina, workplace visits were set up to help break down barriers to talking about feelings for men – particularly Māori and Pasifika men.
Former NRL players Jason Nightingale and Roy Asotasi were also there to support Faumuina’s programme.
Anderson said sharing stories was a major help in improving his mental health when things got too “dark”.
“Little did I know about this fight-and-flight [reflex] and all this sort of stuff.”
He said he fell into a bad depression with suicidal thoughts.
“Darkness. I used to wake up in the morning, open my eyes and see if I was surrounded by this dark feeling I was having,” Anderson told the group of about 45.
He said the scariest part was not understanding what was happening to him.
“I didn’t know what I was going through.
“I surf, I fish, I dive, hunt – all these cool things and I never in my life had experienced the situation I was in,” Anderson said.
Eventually, he spoke to his rugby league club and came back to Aotearoa. “I needed to talk to someone who can understand me,” Anderson said.
Reading All Blacks Don’t Cry: A Story of Hope by Sir John Kirwan was like “I was reading my story”, and he managed to meet Kirwan.
Other ways of keeping mental health in check the league stars shared included getting regular exercise, connecting with community and spending time with family.
Dargaville-born Anderson joined 21 other former NRL and Kiwi players for three matches on Saturday at Puketawhero Park in Rotorua.
The managing director at Mills-Tui, Dean Purves, said they had owned the business nearly seven years.
Intermittently hosting guests at staff meetings was intended to keep the guys “engaged” and “safe”, Purves said.
He said the Covid-19 pandemic and cost-of-living pressures this year had affected his team.
“It’s such a big thing for these guys and they’re not very good at talking about it because they’re blokes.
“We’ve got a lot of migrant workers, too, and they’re not very good at opening up,” Purves said.
He said improving workplace culture was a priority when he bought the business.
“We wanted to get the discussion out there more and talk more and more about it to hopefully help the guys’ wellbeing,” he said.
He said it took a while but the culture was better and the men were happy to approach a team leader they were comfortable with for a chat.
Purves said men’s mental health programmes like League Legends helped reduce staff turnover.
“We don’t have a lot of issues, arguments and fighting.”
Purves said it was “fantastic” to hear the former NRL players’ stories. “Some of the guys opened up a lot more than we expected and our staff seemed to resonate with them,” he said.
Purves said he struggled alongside his men with opening up and being vulnerable but “hopefully I’m getting better”.
On Saturday, hundreds of league fans were at Rotorua’s Puketawhero Park to support Faumauina’s kaupapa.
Playing the Bay of Plenty Lakers on their home ground, the game was set to 30 minutes per half. Former NRL player and referee Henry Perenara officiated.
On the final whistle, the League Legends had won 48-14.
Hosted by Jordan Rivers, Brooke Ruscoe and producer Marc Peard from the Morning Shift podcast, Peard “jumped in” to kick a successful conversion, which he said was “scary”.
Peard said taking the field with some of his rugby league heroes “was the cherry on top”.
He said Faumuina’s kaupapa was important and the podcast had also tried to normalise similar conversations about men’s mental health.
Ben Matulino, Jordan Kahu, Brad Takairangi and Sam Rapira were among former NRL and Kiwis greats who put on the black-and-gold kit to support Faumuina’s drive for men’s wellbeing.
SUICIDE AND DEPRESSION
Where to get help:
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Aleyna Martinez is a multimedia journalist based in the Bay of Plenty. She moved to the region in 2024 and has previously reported in Wairarapa and at the Pacific Media Network.